CAPTAINS LOG: 9th December

A couple of weeks ago on my way into work I walked past two girls heading for school. They were smiling and laughing with each other and one of them had on a big birthday badge telling the world she was 16 (you know the big ones…you can see them from space). I smiled and birthday girl smiled back so I said Happy Birthday to her. She thanked me and told me she was sixteen. Old ‘me’ probably would have said “no shit Sherlock” but I’m on my Sunshine Bus so I kept it in and told her that I hoped she had a lovely day.

FOR the remainder of my walk into work, I thought about when I turned 16. I remember it really well. My birthday is on a 13th and my sixteenth fell on Friday the 13th. I have always loved my birthday falling on a Friday and it’s always been pretty lucky for me. That night I went to a party and I snogged somebody who I’d fancied FOREVER….(long story short, I met him years later when I was working in a pub and suffice to say, love is most definitely blind people). I turned sixteen 32 years ago…I know, I know, thanks!

I spent the day thinking of all the regrets I have had since I was sixteen and let me tell you something, unlike Frank Sinatra, I don’t have a few…I have a bloody shed load. I have so many regrets I don’t actually know where to start. Some regrets even make an appearance twice! Go me!

MOST of my regrets are based around opportunities that didn’t come my way. And I realised that for the longest time, I had felt hurt by the lack of opportunities I have been given in my adult life. It hurts that not many people have had faith in me and my abilities. I had felt that I hadn’t even been given a look-in over people who were not necessarily more capable but that were, seemingly, given the baton without making much effort.

IT’S been a long time since I have gone for something better in my work life that I really, really wanted. Years ago, even if I was vastly under qualified I would have at least put myself out there. What I lacked in qualifications I knew in my heart I would have made up for in passion and enthusiasm. The last time ended in failure and I was devastated and embarrassed that I wasn’t even given a chance to prove myself. But it wasn’t to be and after that I guess I lost my bottle. I’d put myself out there and got shot down. But instead of getting back up again and trying again, I chose to give up and instead believe I was just not ever going to be good enough. What a chump!

BUT you know what all those thoughts were? A crock of shit. All of that is on me. It was my responsibility and I now take full accountability of all of that. How can I have been given opportunities if I never put myself forward in the first place? I didn’t put myself out there and now I know why. Because I was scared to. Because I thought I would fail. Because I thought my attempt at going for something better would be laughed at.

THE things I have regrets over have been the decisions I have made based on not feeling worthy, or clever enough or when I just wasn’t feeling brave enough to take that leap into the unknown. So here I am at 48 years old and whilst it’s taken me a while, whether you love it or loathe it, I have found purpose and that is to write. I write for me. If somebody enjoys it, fab, but its what it gives me that counts. I do it because it makes me happy and I don’t want to add another regret to the list.

SO imagine if you just jumped straight in; took that leap of faith, not caring if you failed because at least you’d tried? Wouldn’t that feel better? Wouldn’t giving it your best shot ‘feel’ different to regretting not moving in the first place? Do you regret the things you do or the things you don’t?

I encourage you to go after whatever you want. If it lights a fire under your arse, if it makes you feel passionate, if it fulfils you…go get it. Or at the very least, give it a damn good try. Put yourself out there for success. For me, there are certain things that I have had to let go. When I was growing up I wanted to be a cowgirl and I wanted to marry a cowboy. I still have an obsession with all things Country. I would have loved to live in a world of stetsons, cowboy boots, Levi jeans, just kicking back on my veranda on the ranch, sipping on sweet tea and watching the sun go down, with a couple of dogs lying at my feet. But I have children and my life isn’t just about me anymore so you have to adapt. Dreams and ambitions are still dreams and ambitions even if they have to be modified to suit your life.

FROM here on out, I will take a different slant on my regrets. I will think of them as times when I wasn’t as courageous as I am now and forgive myself. But I am committed to going to go back to that 20-something who had balls. I am taking life by the nuts and I am going to do what I want. What makes me happy. Love those I love. Help my boys’ find their purpose and show them, with hard work and dedication, they can be or do whatever they want. My wish for them is a fulfilled and happy life. Perhaps finding my purpose at my age now was always in the plan for me. Who knows? But I can make the remainder of my days on this world meaningful to me.

MISS Dolly Parton said, “Figure out who you are and do it on purpose’ and that is exactly what life is about…figure out who you are and by doing so, you can live life and regrets be damned. Let’s try not to do that shit anymore.

BIG SNOGS
Kitty xxx