CAPTAINS LOG: 20th January 2019

TODAY I am stronger than I was yesterday and yesterday I was stronger than I was the day before. Slowly but surely, I’m learning to let go of the negative thoughts and negative people, specifically, those who believe their opinion is more important than mine and those that set our deliberately to hold people down so that person can’t rise up.

THESE people aren’t my friends and I know that. I’m learning that ego is everything and determines how somebody lives their life and the difference between putting on a good show and being real.

SO why do I feel stronger? I made a commitment to myself that I would no longer give anybody the power to hurt me; whether that be my feelings, how I live my life or what I decide to do with my life in the years to come.

IN what will probably be 5 very short months, I will turn 49 years old. I have no idea how the last 30 years have gone so fast and had I realised that they would go by in the blink of an eye, I would have lived my life completely differently. Recently, I received an email from somebody who I know fairly well and like a lot but not somebody I would consider a close friend, who wrote to me about pushing myself further and fulfilling my dreams. This person is quite at the ‘top of her game’ and to receive her words of wisdom and strength was truly wonderful and humbling. And it made me really think about my future and the direction I want to head in.

DO I like the thought of being 49? Fuck no! Regardless of how ridiculous it sounds, I promise you, I feel 19. And those who tell you that age is just a number, trust me when I say, that won’t say that shit when they get into their late forties!

BUT with age comes wisdom (apparently) and I’m only just learning mine and it’s a massive learning curve. The regrets, the ‘wish I had’, the ‘why did I do that’ and the ‘I wish I had believed in myself before now’. The last one runs around my mind on a constant loop.

I’VE had many knock backs in my past when I have tried to move forward. But on more than one opportunity nothing changed because nobody believed in my abilities and the worst thing is, neither did I. So I accepted it and didn’t fight for what I wanted. Man, if I could kick my own arse, I bloody would!

IT begs the questions that if I had the Time Machine (and lets be honest, wouldn’t we all love that?) what would I change? I think the question, for me at least, is what would I keep the same?

BUT there are many positives in the ‘life’…I travelled, both for me and for work (although I have never had another boss put faith in me other than my boss at the Charity) but those experiences made me who I am and for that, I am really grateful.

I got to have a full and fun life before becoming a mum at 36. Do I miss the life where I had no responsibilities? Yep. But I wouldn’t trade my Beavis and Butthead for it. I have watched and witnessed women without children or those with kids but in a ‘family’ unit forging forward and whilst I admire them, and I truly do, no matter how hard they have had to work for it, I come back to one thought. Try doing that as a single mum with no financial back up. Try doing that when you are wracked with guilt at always leaving your children with a nursery or after school club. I couldn’t afford not to work when they boys were young. And was it worth it to miss so much of my babies younger lives? No. Not in a million years.

BUT with enough self-belief, anything is possible.

TAKE Oprah Winfrey. Throughout her career she has made no secret of the horror of her childhood years. She was born into poverty in rural Mississippi at a time when segregation of Black and White was common-place and horrifically, socially acceptable. She was born to a teenage Mother in 1954. She has openly stated that she was raped as a child/teenager and at the age of 14 gave birth to a son, who died in infancy. Her life was one of sorrow, hardship, harrowing experiences and degradation. Did this influence her later life? Absolutely.

BUT she didn’t let it define her. By 19 she was a reporter at a local new station in Tennessee after moving in with her father. What started off as an evening reporting role soon migrated to daytime TV as her determination, empathy and emotion on camera allowed the powers that be to see an exceptional woman who had something real to offer. Her success on news stations ultimately led to her daytime talk show in Chicago. If you were around at the time when Oprah became a recognisable force and face, you will remember that to see a black woman with her own television show was something really quite extraordinary. There were ‘progressive thinkers’ that firmly believed this was an amazing move forward in our society but there was also much resistance from an America and World who were not ready to accept that this woman, from an underprivileged life who had the added bonus of being a woman of colour, should have national tv exposure. How must Oprah have felt? I saw my first Graph tv show in my twenties and I remember literally falling in love with her. She had an aura around her which even today, where we are swamped with strong women, has never been emulated to the full effect of that moment. She laughed with her guest, cried with them, they opened up to her in a way that had never been seen before but so did she. She laid it all out for the world to see knowing some would be behind her whilst others would judge.

OPRAH showed the women of the world if you want something there is nothing that can stop you. She could have continued the life cycle she was born into. But, as we know, she would never have wanted to be that. Today she is a leading light in women’s right, an international philanthropist, focused on literature, self improvement and spirituality.

I can’t get my years back. I can’t get those memories (that I don’t have) back but I can make a better future for me and the boys. And this is where my strength for today kicks in. I will not let those who don’t believe I can rise to hold me back. Their opinion is meaningless. My self worth and self belief is stronger than their negativity.

FINALLY (thank you LC…my very own Cheerleader) I am able to see past myself, my circumstances and my limits. But instead of staying in one place because of them, I am learning to work around them. I may never have the success of many well known ‘authors’ but it will not stop me putting my heart, soul and hard work into it. Don’t let anybody hold you back. Life is short and the world is wide.

BIG SNOGS
Kitty xxxx

If you fancy a ‘larf’ pop over to our Vlog! Facebook – Rants and Big Pants or Instagram @rantsandbigpants

For teasers for my book check me out on Instagram @kittydb70