CAPTAINS LOG: 10th February

FOR as long as I can remember I have felt a void, like a gap in my soul. Nothing and nobody has ever got close to filling it. Even at my happiest of times, the emptiness remained.

I had no purpose. I touched on this in a previous blog but this week, it has once again hit me between the eyes.

TO some and I know this after lengthy discussions with friends, for a long time, I seemed to be the only one who felt that slowly but surely, not acknowledging my self-purpose was killing me. Here’s what I did know…being a wife/girlfriend wasn’t my purpose. Yeah, being a wife, definitely wasn’t but I love being the BF’s girlfriend. Being a Mum to my beautiful boys’ is something I wouldn’t change for the world but was it my purpose? No, it’s not. It’s my pleasure and my heart but not my purpose.

TO explain myself, I believe that in order to be complete and fulfilled in this life (lets be honest, nobody has ever been able to determine if there is life after death so we have to assume that this is it) that we all have a purpose for being given life. Please note that this is my belief, my feeling and therefore, if you don’t agree, that’s absolutely coolio.

TO those who do believe in the such things, there are many variations of what a life purpose looks like; purpose can guide life decisions, influence behaviour, shape goals, offer a sense of direction and create meaning. For some people, purpose is connected to vocation—meaningful, satisfying work. For others, their purpose lies in their responsibilities to their family or friends.

SO whilst some may find their purpose in creating a family others, like me, believe it to be my ‘true’ self. The thing that will make me whole. My journey to fulfilment if you will.

SO confession is good for the soul right? Here it is. I knew what it was. I have always known what it was. My problem wasn’t that I didn’t know but that I didn’t believe in myself. My self-esteem and confidence has always been at such a low level that I didn’t think I, somebody like me, could do it.

I don’t believe that I have had it harder than anybody else. I grew up on a massive council estate in Brentwood. We were all equals there. Nobody had any money and we, as kids, didn’t ever think about it. I truly think we never considered it because none of us actually knew anybody with money. What you’ve never had you can’t miss right?

ENTERING Secondary School in the early 80’s was a time when the chances of anybody but the top of the top getting into (let alone attending) university was slim to none. I may be corrected but personally, I can think of only one person in my year group that went onto Uni. That is not to say there haven’t been successful people to come out of our school in 1986.

THE rest of us entered the work place. Any work place. Very few of us didn’t just get a job so that we could start earning money. For me, I have had so many jobs, I can’t actually remember them all. Between the ages of 16 and 18 I had 4 jobs…including (I remember this one) working for one of London’s top advertising agencies’ Art Director who decided one lunch time to do a few things that [still] shock me….he got off his face on LSD, he sacked our entire department apart from me and his deputy, he ate his lunch on the windowsill (the outside part) of our fourth floor office window…..and I was only gone an hour!!!!!!

ANYHOO…lots of jobs, liked some, hated others, bounced around a lot. No matter where I have worked the fear of admitting what I believed to be my purpose with my lack of confidence and self-esteem has held me back.

FOR years friends have encouraged me to write, be it a book, a blog, post-it notes left of random cars (last one isn’t true but if you’re up for it…I’M IN!) I wanted to, I wanted to so badly but I thought I would make myself look like a dick. Who am I to write and expect people to read it? If I put myself out there, wouldn’t failure or embarrassment automatically follow? Was I brave enough? Er…no.

I used to love to watch Sex and the City. I didn’t really care about the programme or what happened in any one episode…what I loved was the ending. When Carrie would sit at her laptop (in the bedroom of perfection!) and you could hear the actress narrating what her character was writing. I wanted to be her…and I don’t even have a healthy obsession with shoes. I just wanted that life. The one where she was a writer. That was and is my dream.

OVER a year ago I started to write my book. I started it with an idea but no direction. I am an avid reader…like over two hundred books a year kind of avid and although I felt my book idea was good, I wrote slowly as if I didn’t have much intention of ever finishing it. If I didn’t finish it then nobody could criticise it right?

REWIND six months. I met my ‘pusher’…the one who put reality in my face and made me watch it, made me feel it. Opened up my fear and together, we chucked it the bin once and for all. So what magic did she weave? Well, she’s not a magician but she is magical.

WHEN we spoke about the blog and the book she asked me who I would be writing for? I thought it would be for others but it wasn’t; it was for me. So her next question was ‘if you were to write for yourself, would it matter if anybody read it?’…the answer had to be no. That’s not to say nobody would read it but by writing for myself, it could give me the sense of freedom, achievement and empowerment I desperately wanted. And if, if, it touched somebody else then fab but if it didn’t, would it become less significant to me? No, it wouldn’t.

AS for the book, taking the step on my way to confidence and improved self-esteem has changed my rather lacklustre approach to writing to one of loving every moment I get to write. It may never be a best-seller but it will be what it’ll be. Depending on how much effort, time and dedication I put into it, will determine how successful it could be.

BECAUSE I believe with all my heart that my purpose is to write. Even if nobody ever reads it. You know that quote “do what you love, love what you do”? That is in my head every time I pick up my laptop. Whilst I know so few people who actually do what they love, I have noticed something recently. More and more people I know, are looking for fulfilment; some as a hobby, others with the hope or ambition of it becoming a business.

AND they all seem to be in around the same age group as me. Do I believe this is a coincidence? No, I don’t. I think, because I am one of them, that there is a shift happening. Perhaps it’s a sense of our own mortality? Perhaps, we want to leave something of ourselves so that our kids’ can say “that’s who my Mum/Dad was”. Or perhaps, we are finally starting to believe in ourselves and find out what we are actually capable of.

IF you have a passion, do it. Do what makes you happy, if only for yourself. And if, like me for financial reasons, you can’t just jack it in and follow your path immediately, work towards it because you can do what you love some of the time and that alone, can make you happy. And I wish you all the luck in the world. You go for it!

BIG SNOGS
Kitty xxx

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