CAPTAINS LOG:  31st March

I only bloody, fucking made it!!  Today is a momentous day for me and I am absolutely astounded.  In the early hours of this morning, the clocks finally went forward.   Why is it a momentous occasion?  My depression, whilst can and does strike at any time of the year, is crippling during the darker months.  The clocks springing forward is my light at the end of a pretty long tunnel.   I was, and still can be, can be pretty good at hiding how bad it is, even from those I am closest to.  Bizarrely, it is my way of also protecting those I love.

PLEASE remember when reading this, that this is my story, my take on my depression and in no way negates your feelings or what you have endured.  To emphasise that point, I have a friend who lost her child.  NOTHING will ever stop her pain.  NOTHING will take her loss away.  It started the day she lost her child and will live with her forever.  That has caused depression but it’s coupled with inconsolable grief.  

I have suffered with depression for most of my life.  I no longer remember a time when I didn’t have it in some form.  However, since 1995, each year it has become worse.  1997 was pretty horrific but that was multi-facated. 

BUT this year, the Black Dog that has plagued my life for so many years, just didn’t arrive.  

MY Black Dog didn’t sit on my chest making me immobile.  It didn’t cause the voices in my head to tell me that nobody would miss me if I disappeared.  During my darkest of times, my depression hasn’t led to suicidal thoughts…. So when I say disappear, I mean it literally.  Get on a plane and fuck off  and never have to see anybody I know ever again.  Start a new life and when it hits me again, I would move on.  Just keep on running away.

IT didn’t arrive and tell me that my life was a shower of shit.   Because this year…I told the Black Dog to fuck off. 

MY depression has previously taken me as its prisoner and thrown away the key.  It has taken what little confidence, self esteem and worthiness away from me and in its place, it has left me with shame, inadequecy and embarrassment.

BUT here I stand, no longer ashamed, inadequate or embarrassed; I am standing tall because I fought back.  Before you think smug bitch…. Don’t get me wrong; I’m not so smug that I feel that he won’t ever come back and hurt me like he previously did.  But it’s the little victories that I need to focus on.  The here and now.  One day at a time. 

MY Black Dog has a  face.  It’s ugly and hurtful and has never stopped for a moment to empathise with me or what it was taking away from my life.  It has subjected my parents to worry and fear (and on occasion cancel holidays because they couldn’t leave me).  It has caused my family and friends, the people I love, to worry.   Depression doesn’t care.  As a parent, I would give me life for my boys’, without hesitation.  So for my parents to cancel a summer holiday was of no consequence to them (although it probably didn’t do a lot for their bank account) All they wanted was to protect me, their child,  and to ensure I was safe and to take care of the things I couldn’t do, the things I was too exhausted to do.  To show that their love for me, as it is for my boys too, is uncondtional.  

I am lucky.  So lucky.  My support system has and is so much better than I could ask for and at times, far more than I believed I deserved.

THERE have been so many days when I forced myself to get out of bed to go to work – cos let’s be honest – it doesn’t matter how ‘right on’ the world is about the subject of mental health, if you’ve never suffered with it will you NEVER understand it.  No matter how ‘right on’ we all are now, nobody wants an employee with mental health issues.  So you go to work because if you don’t then its just one more fear (losing your job) or paranoia (everybody’s talking about me right?) to have to deal with.  Those voices tell you that there will be people talking about how you can’t cope with life, how you’re fragile, how you not turning up for work impacts others.

NOW, again, I am lucky.   I have a very supportive work ‘fam’.  They all know.  They all check that my head is okay.  They all give a shit.  Winter 2017/2018 was bad.  Really bad.  I couldn’t see the end at all.  And just when I thought it was as bad as it could get, my body turned on me.  My immunity took a massive hit and just to give me a kick in the bollocks, it chucked in a Lupus flare that took the last of my energy away.  Hours each day were spent just crying alone.  I felt desperate.   My skin hurt.  My joints hurt.  The skin around my fingers peeled away, leaving my my fingers burning.  By the beginning of 2018, I went from depression to depression with flu to depression with flu and a Lupus flare.  I didn’t even have the energy to drive. I couldn’t focus on anything.  My lovely Russ collected me on our weekends, to drive me back to his (so I got out of the house) just to watch me lay on his sofa. 

YOU have no idea how much I was dreading winter 2018 and into 2019.   

WHY has this year been so different?  Well, I think we all know, that [in my head] I got on the Sunshine Bus.  In September I started seeing my LC.  

SHE gave me the tools to help the destructiveness in my head. I surrounded myself with the positive, from affirmations (and yes, that shit works) to reading books about positivity, magic and gratefulness.  Daily I reinforce my mind and body with thoughts of self-worth, self-love and positivity.  I focused on all that I have and all that I am grateful for.  I started to count my blessings.  To remember what I do have not what I don’t.

EVERY day on my way to work I say my thank you’s in my head. I say them to the Universe, to Mother Nature, to God and to family I no longer have here.  They are my protective shield and acknowledging them helps me visualise the world around me and brings my head back into balance.  Now some of you may be rolling your eyes; and that’s fine.  I’m not asking for your approval.  This is my Sunshine Bus and it works for me.  I don’t need any passengers <3

MY LC has also worked really hard with me helping me visualise the ‘spot that hurts me’.  I don’t know how else to describe it.  But it was like a black, dense mass in my body.  Now it’s a mere dot.  It is still of consequence to me…because that little black spot is my intuition and I need that.  I need that so I recognise when I need to protect myself.  

I am not one in a million.  I am one of millions.  I would be extremely surprised if you don’t know somebody who suffers with depression or suffer yourself.  If it’s not you and you see, perhaps through social media or in social circles, somebody who doesn’t appear ‘quite right’ see if they want to talk.  They may be like me.  When asked, depending on where my head was, I would either sing like a canary or, more often than not, shut down and say I was having an ‘off day’.  My communication during these times was hard for me.  

YOU don’t just have a shower and put your face on and it will all magically go away.  Unless you’ve been there you won’t understand that popping in the shower is the last fucking thing you want to do because that would involve moving. You don’t want to move. You can’t move.  You don’t care about what you look like or whether you are kicking up a stink.  What you want, all you want, is the cloud to lift and float away.

MY mindset has become everything to me but the most apparent thing is that I know I take on other peoples negative energy and I drown in it. I listen and say its fine, but it brings me down. Exhausts me in a way it might not others.  I need to be happy. I need to have positivity around me.  But, that is not to say that I won’t listen to you.  That is not to say I wouldn’t be here to for you.  And it’s not to say that I have no interest.  You will do those things for people you love no matter the cost to you. 

I’M not saying I haven’t had ‘down days’ in the last 7 months, but down days are not depression for me.  They are odd times, sometimes a day and sometimes just a moment in time, when I feel desperate and unconnected from others.  Where I feel alone again.

TO those who have loved me through this, year on year, I love you.  You have no idea, because I never saw it ,what I was like to live with.  To my boys’, who will probably never read this, I spent so much time sitting on the floor in the Utility room or my bedroom, screaming and crying silently because I never wanted you to deal with it, I love you with all my heart.  And one day, when we speak of these times, I hope you will say you had no idea.  Because that’s what I want for you….to never have seen me when I was falling to pieces and never witness my self hate.  I try so hard to not wrap you both in too much  cotton wool but my fear that this fucker could be genetic will always keep me being that slightly over-board ‘lets talk about it’ kind of Mum.  Kids, I may no apologies for that.  You own every piece of my heart and I will protect you till my last breath leaves my body.

LC I am eternally grateful to you; my Earth Angel.  The work, laughter, swearing, love, ‘happy dance’, assurances and tools you have shared with me have changed my life.   You are one in a million. 

RUSS, you told me the other day how proud you are of me.  You have no idea what your words did to my head and heart.  For your love, support, for simply collecting me because I was too frightened to even drive to you, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.  Isn’t it odd that in a nation of Dog lovers we refer to depression as a dog?  I know I bang on about how ‘broken’ my lovely pup Dolly is, but that’s cos she’s a bastard.  But when you got her for me, you ensured that even when I was alone, I was never truly alone.  Thank you for my overly-excited barking maniac.  

MUM and Dad, your love is unwavering and without end.  I know I have always been difficult to understand but you never give up on me.  I love you both so much.  Michael, I know what you will say to this…’what you don’t understand is that it’s our pleasure, you’re our child’.  

TO my girl gang and my spesh work girlies, you mean more to me than you will ever know.  You are a small gang but you are mighty and I love each and every one of you.  I know that this blog will resonate with a few of you.  I promise to always be there if you need me. 

IF you or somebody you love is suffering there are many charities that can help.  Please don’t be afraid to ask for it.  If you do need help, a great place to start is Heads Together.  Via the link below (hopefully it works, if not, google it and ignore the fact I am a techofuckwit) will give a link to many charities that can help with all mental health issues for either yourself or a loved one.  

Charity Partners

IF you read this and take in nothing else, believe this.  Sometimes, depression hides inside smiles, positive words and that social butterfly we all know.  Don’t assume that the happiest person you know is not suffering.  Not everybody withdraws from life when they are in the midst of it.  Love and kindness cost nothing; lets spread that shit around.

FINALLY, I wish, truly wish, for you or the person you love/care about, love and light always.  Nobody is ever truly alone; even when we feel it.  You DO matter.  If you disappeared somebody WOULD miss you.  And in the meantime, fuck the shower, fuck the changing out of your pj’s, fuck living off of anything but tea and toast.  Put your arm out occasionally….you might be surprised just how many people are willing to hold your hand or need you to hold theirs.

BIG SNOGS

Kitty xxx

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