CAPTAINS LOG: 12th May

ON the estate I grew up on, there was a woman who lived up the road who used to say (to anybody who would listen) “if I knew then, what I know now…” to be fair she was talking about having kids but that’s a whole different subject.

BUT it got me thinking…if I knew then what I do know now, would my life have been different? The answer is obviously yes as it would have given me the opportunity to see the mistakes before I made them. I don’t know if it’s an age thing but I am suddenly so aware of how much longer I have on this planet. I spent so many years, so many, many years, wasting my life because I didn’t think I clever enough or worthy of something better, which led me to settling in relationships and jobs because I didn’t have the confidence to think that I could do better. And that my friends, is pissing me off on a monumental scale.

AS I write this my lovely Boyf and his loony cousin are on a road trip to York. They are off to attempt breaking the World Record for the fastest Tuk Tuk…yes, you read that right, Tuk Tuk. Now, Matt (owner of said Tuk Tuk) has had his beloved ‘vehicle’ for quite some time and made the decision a while back that it would be ‘fun’ to give the world record a shot. He needed a co-lunatic, sorry, I mean co-pilot, for this venture and there’s generally no better partner in crime than another lunatic. My ‘lunatic’ likes to chuck himself out of planes for fun so being a back-seat co-pilot was an inevitable progression.

WHILST it all seems from the outside a little ‘Carry On’ film-ish and a bit of a laugh, by tomorrow evening they will (come on boys!) be a new entry into the 2019 Guinness Book of World Records. Not bad for a couple of likely lads with a combined age of nearly 100 years. But why shouldn’t they give it a go? Life is, after all, so incredibly short.

IF I could go back, what would I tell my younger self? This is ridiculously easy for me. The hardest part is how far back would I go before I told her what she needed to hear? Would it be when I was 20? Or perhaps 16 when I was leaving school? I think I would go back to age 11. First year at Senior School. On a side note, I would tell her to watch the boy who sat next to her in her very first class (English) and whisper in her ear “see him? Yeah, in 30-plus years, you’re going to be his girlfriend…just to watch her face…then I’d whisper in his ear….stop looking at my boobs”.

SO here I am, age 11 with the world at my feet just waiting to be explored. What is it that she needs to know? What would I tell her? I would say ‘you have no idea at this moment in time how quickly life will pass. You have no idea that if you don’t believe in yourself, nobody else will’. I would tell her that finding her purpose is the most important thing she can do and that the only person setting the limits is her.

I have always loved writing. Books have been my passion, my one true love for as long as I can remember. I’ve lost days with my nose in the pages of a book. I’ve fallen in love with characters (if you haven’t had a lustful moment over a book boyfriend you need to do that shit…stat!). I’ve got angry with authors over character development. One of the best (but not a book per se) things I have ever written is a new-fictional take on Madame Bovary that was serialised in the Guardian years ago. It blew my mind. And it also led me to read the original book. I am not embarrassed to say that when I was in my late teens/early 20’s I fell in love with Jackie Collins. Her books took me on a roller-coaster of emotions. I loved her, her books and in her I found my leopard-print loving soul-mate. Around that age I also found another writer, albeit in journalistic form, Jeffery Bernard. Now Jeff’s writing used to make me cry, literally. He wrote at the time for the Spectator but was also published in one of the freebie magazines that would be at Liverpool Street Station. His writing is still with me. Pure bservational, caustic humour. To be a mix of Jackie and Jeff would be a dream come true.

HOW is it has taken me to reach my late 40’s (it flies people; fucking flies) before the penny dropped with me that if I didn’t start writing in earnest I would die without fulfilment? It’s a question I ask myself constantly. Writing brings something to my soul that is not touched by anything else. I would love to believe that had I have had the courage to write in my twenties I may by now be a successful author. But I can’t go back and change it. All I can do now is to follow my dream and realise that regardless of my age and circumstance, I can still follow my dream.

I know so many lovely young women who I want to shout at. Actually, that’s not true. I do shout at them. I shout that they must not settle for anything else than they dream of. I want them to know that they are capable, so bright and clever and they can’t sell themselves short. Have the confidence to figure out what it is they want and go for it. It’s not about approval (or disapproval) from anybody else; it’s about fulfilling their lives and their true potential. It’s about finding their purpose. Finding the reason they were given life.

TOMORROW the Boyf and his mad-cap cousin take on the world record. Today, I have spent the best part of six hours writing. Six hours of solid typing. Have I had a good day? I’ve had the best. I’ve sat on my sofa with my dogs. Daisy on one side and Dolly on the other. Occasionally, I have got up for a stretch, made a coffee, sat back down and carried on. This is what I love. This is what I want to do. This is what I want my life to be every single day. And come hell or high weather, I’m going to do everything I can to fulfil that dream.

I hope the chaps get the record, I really do. Just so they can say they went for it. And when we’re old, we can say, do you remember 2019 when you broke the world record for the fastest Tuk Tuk? So what if it’s not a Nobel prize? It’s a great achievement and that is something to be proud of.

AND I will look back at 2019, I can say, I finished my book that year. I went for it too.

BIG SNOGS
Kitty xxx

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