CAPTAINS LOG: 2nd June 

OVER the last couple of weeks I have been reminded of just how precious life is and the importance of being happy and living it to the fullest.  In a few weeks I turn 49.  I actually can’t fucking believe I will be 49 years old.  I’m rebelling and puddling backwards as fast as I can.  How can it be?  On a side note…if anybody calls me old then they need to get ready for a right hander…just saying.

AND so my reminder of the gift of life came in three parts.  One was about death, one about being free to be who you are and the last was self doubt.  And so, in now particular order…

AT the end of June my paternal Grandad will have died 47 years ago.  I was two.  He was 49.  The same age I will turn in a few weeks.  I remember my Dad breathing a sigh of relief to get past that age.  It’s mad.  He’d been ill for quite some time and whilst I have no memory of him, only details that I have heard from my parents, my Sister, who was his first Grandchild does remember him.  What I can’t comprehend is that I feel like I’ve hardly had a life.  Now that’s on me and it’s why I find myself nearing 49 frustrated with my life choices and I want to kick my own arse so badly.

THE problem is that when you’ve spent as long as I have being unhappy with yourself, not liking let alone loving who you are, always feeling second best and watching others excel around, and then you suddenly get it, suddenly realise that actually you don’t have to compromise when it comes to being yourself…to say it’s a revelation is an understatement.  And that is where a ‘lifetime’ of regret comes from.  It’s where my frustration lives.  

I know I need to let it go…let go of the anger, the regret and frustration and I am actively working on it every day but man, it’s hard.  The hardest part about realising your worth is letting go of the ego.  The reality is if you are going to embrace all your awesomeness then you need to ensure that when you say you don’t care what other people think of you, you actually mean it.  It’s a hard habit to break. A lifetime of second-guessing what people think of you, if they like, why don’t they like you, am I good enough, why aren’t I good enough is tremendously hard to let go of.  I seem to have spent forever writing my book…it’s still not finished.  Am I purposely self-sabotaging because I don’t want others to judge my work?  I have a full-time job; what will those people think of it?  Will I be able to handle criticism and critique?  Is that what’s stopping me from completing it?  Honestly?  I think it is there and I am trying not to care. Some of my lovely ‘people’ have had little read throughs and they love it but it that because they love me?  Am I ready for the big, bad world to crush my dreams.  Today I am.  If I released it today, I would be okay.  I feel strong today.  I feel ready to bat off negative comments.  I feel able today.  Maybe it’s because I got up and put my ‘girl power’ t-shirt on…who knows?  But today I could do it.  Just as shame it’s not finished! 

HERE’S what I have discovered over the past eight months. The secret to happiness is to look at every day you have as a new one.  To see your own world and what’s important to you. To pay it forward even if you get nothing back.  To remember not everybody gets the chance to have a life or like me, start a second journey.  To find out what your purpose is, set your goals and do everything in your power to achieve them.  Haters be damned!  

DEATH is something we all fear; no matter what anybody says.  When I was a child I used to hold my breath for as long as possible and it would freak me out the thought of being pronounced dead but actually not being dead.  My training ground for this was going through the Dartford Tunnel.  If you lived in Essex or Kent, I bet you’ve done this at least once.  But the breath holding and is that what death is like….we’ve all thought it right?  Please god don’t let it just be me.  I think it’s where my fear of being cremated comes from.  Being burnt alive.  Side note, if you’re around when I die can you please make sure I’m actually dead as a dodo?  But I digress.  Death is final. Our final Act.  Then what happens. Well, the truth is none of us know.  Part of me hopes we just float off to a cloud….but then I worry how I’ll cope as I such a fear of heights. I’m kidding; I don’t really think we float off to a cloud.  No, my ‘belief’ is that there are only a certain number of souls.  So we may change our body but our soul gets to live over and over, in many different forms.  A couple of years ago there was a bloody great big slug in my garden.  I named him Brian.  He tried to make out with a shoe lace.  It was very sad. But perhaps Brian was a shit in a previous life and so the reincarnation into a slug was his punishment?  We know that when Death comes knocking, there is really no choice in when it happens.  Sure we can prolong it as long as possible by taking care of ourselves, not putting ourselves in unnecessary danger but it will come to us all and there is no avoiding it.  It begs the question as to why ‘young’ people die?  Why do ‘good’ people die?  There is no answer.  There will never be an answer.  That’s why we have to live our best possible lives.  Do the best we can for ourselves. 

IF at the beginning you were given a note stating how many days you will be alive for think how different your life would be!?  If it were to be a short life, would you live it to the fullest?  Have as much fun as possible?  I know I would.  But equally if you were destined for a long life, wouldn’t you do the same?  You could choose to be whoever you wanted, to be free of judgement (whether that be real or perceived) and just be you.  

WHILST I don’t understand it because how could I, I do admire those people that have a sex change.  You know you are in the wrong body and as its possible to change, why not do it?  You don’t know how long you have so why waste it being somebody you’re not?  

THERE are so many things I would have done differently with my life if I could go back and one of them is that I would change my name.  Sounds simple right?  Well, its not that easy.  My parents would be upset.  But if I were 18 again, I would so do it.  I understand them; my parents.  If either of my boys decided to change their name, the names I gave them and love, I’d be upset.  Note to Beavis and Butthead…don’t do it!  (They’re not really called Beavis and Butthead in case you’re sitting there thinking what the fuck?). The name I would change it to makes me feel like me.  It doesn’t take a genius to work out that I’d change it to Kitty.  I can’t tell you how many years I have wanted that name but at a guess, I would say 35 years.  A long time right?  Ah well, at nearly 49, it’s a bit late to go down that road now.  So you do what you can and although it may never say Kitty on the back of my debit card, it will (one bloody day!) say Kitty on the front cover of my book.

Lets make tomorrow, the next month, the next year….the rest of our lives worthy.  Lets be true to ourselves and find happiness in ourselves.  Lets be kind and grateful and remember that our life is a gift not everybody gets to live.

BIG SNOGS

Kitty xxxx

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