Captains log: 16th December

DON’T they? I do. A lot. I am a profound and prolific crier. I can and often do cry over just about anything. I remember being in Clinton cards once and a song came on and I had to leave because it made me cry. The embarrassing thing about this is not that I cried, its that they play Muszak…you know the song that isn’t quite right because it sounds like they have just got a random member of staff to sing it.

ON Thursday of this week I cried all the way to work. I was that really annoying person that didn’t have a tissue and instead sniffed my way through the High Street. For anybody who may have overheard the annoying sniffles, sorry. I couldn’t actually hear myself as I had my earphones in but I can imagine it was annoying.

EVERYBODY cries at some point for we are human. Big boys cry too. One of the many things I have always loved about my Dad is that he has never been embarrassed to cry in front of his girls. It taught me that showing my emotions was both acceptable and normal.

AS I mentioned previously when I watched the latest Star is Born, I was bereft. When we went to see Les Mis at the cinema, I cried buckets. It’s not like I didn’t know I was going to as I had cried so much watching it on the West End over 25 years ago, a lady 3 seats away passed me a tissue and squeezed my hand in a show of solidarity.

BUT what makes the tears flow when thats the last thing you want to happen? One of things that makes me cry is frustration. When directed at me, other peoples’ actions make me cry and up until very recently I believed it to be their fault that it affected me in such a way.

IT’S not; it’s on me.

IN the past I have given their words the power to break me down. But now I know better. I know that no matter what I do or say, it’s just in certain peoples’ DNA.

IF my child were to come home and say they had been called names, as an adult, I understand what that is. It’s hard to explain to a child that another kids’ hurtful words are coming from a place of insecurity when they are left feeling the pain of what has been said. But I teach my boys’ that those people mean nothing. Their words mean nothing. Know who you are and what you are and be proud of that. But when you are an adult it might be silly little comments and quite often, the person dishing it out thinks they are funny. The problem with that is that in order for it to actually be funny, both parties need to find humour in it. They may walk away feeling that they’re funny but seriously, they’re not. Otherwise it’s just nonsense and should be treated as such. You might even say it’s just another form of bullying. Unfortunately, I know individuals who do this but I don’t give those people my energy. My pity, but not my energy.

WHEN it comes to my children, my first instinct is to find the child and go a bit mental. When my boys first started infant school, one of them came home one day and said that somebody in their class had been horrible to them. The pain of that was horrendous. I think steam may actually have come out of my ears. The next morning as we walked through the school gates, my boy pointed out the child who had been horrible to his brother. I started walking fast, dragging the boys along. Just as we got level with the kid in question, I swung my handbag (when I say handbag I actually mean the bag I carry everything but the kitchen sink in) so that it hit the kid round the back of the head and kept walking. Do I feel bad that I did that? Actually, no, I really don’t. I didn’t care then and I don’t care now. Hurt my child and I take no prisoners. I don’t know any Mum that wouldn’t do the same. Being a Mum, turns you into a Lioness but ultimately, will it stop the bully? Rarely. It’s a lesson they need to learn for themselves. Some do it because they are bullied and some because they are generally not very nice people. We have no control over that so it’s not worth your energy.

AND then there are the people get off on hurting others. It shocks me how many girls I know who are regularly upset by their boyfriends because of horrible things they have said. If you allow those people to upset you, that’s on you. Don’t put up with it. If you are in a relationship and your partner says things that are unnecessarily hurtful whether in public or private, don’t take it. Don’t give somebody the power to do that to you. I know this because I have been one of those girls. And nothing is more empowering than telling somebody who doesn’t deserve you to take a hike.

SOME relationships that are highly toxic from the beginning even though it can take a while to see that you are living in the middle of one. I think we are naturally programmed to hope for the best. That the little outbursts are one-offs. But that is seldom the case. If a partner does it once and gets away with it then is it a shock if it happens again? I walked away from a toxic friendship a long time ago. I never have had nor will I ever have any regrets walking away from that. I did the right thing at the time for me. And I never think about that person. Toxic relationships are unbalanced. One is generally submissive and the other is the bully. We teach our children that bullying is wrong and that they should stand up to bullies yet as adults we allow it. Of course, you can forgive them for being an arsehole but if you stick around, then I’m sorry, but they’re not the only arsehole in the room.

TO have the ability to truly forgive is not easy. But if you brush something under the carpet rather than facing it and dealing with it, then you are not forgiving, you are letting them walk all over you. You are giving them permission to continue.

HERE’S another thing about me: I have (PAST TENSE) always been a people pleaser. But when I got off that particular bus when I decided to drive the Sunshine one. When I say no now, I mean no. If I do say yes, then you need to know I mean it. But god, it’s a hard habit to break. It sometimes still gets the better of me. I say yes when I really, really mean no. I often find the conflict is because I feel like I am failing the other person but saying no as I know it’s not something they want to hear. It takes practice. And the only way to really do this is to remind yourself to just be you.

WHY would we want to give somebody else power over us? What makes what they think or how they behave more important than what we feel? Who are they to comment on who you are? To upset you?

IfII allow them to make me cry, that’s on me. If I allow somebody’s words to hurt me, thats on me too. I can make a choice at any time and I know that if I let this happen, I have given them the power. The power to hurt me.

AND that my friends is bullshit. The power is yours. And lovely people, if you are in one of those relationships or you know somebody who is….and either you or they can’t find the strength to get out of it, there is always someone, somewhere willing to help. You just need to reach out.

BIG SNOGS
Kitty xxx