CAPTAINS LOG:  28th April

I don’t believe in coincidence.  I was thinking about doing this blog a couple of weeks ago and then….

ON my way home from work one day last week, I saw a guy I used to work with.  I didn’t smile or stop to say hello.  Instead I kept my head down and continued walking.  If he had seen me and said hello, I would have kept on walking. The truth is I wouldn’t piss on him if he were on fire.  Some may feel that is rather harsh.  Not me.  I would watch the bastard burn.

WHEN I worked with him he was an okay kind of guy.  Bit of dick, thought he was the bollocks for no reason I could ever see and was always up for a Friday night drink session with work buddies before going home to his girlfriend.  Now the girlfriend, I did like.  I always thought she was too good for him.  Anyway, I left the company I was working for but a few years later I was told a story about him that put the nail in the coffin for me.  He’d put his girlfriend in hospital.  Apparently, that was after he threw the dinner at the wall and the shards of glass had imbedded itself in the side of her face.  He must have woken up in a foul mood that day as he’d already given her, what we used to call, a right hander.  

HIS abuse of her concluded that day.  Apparently, it stopped that night when he returned home to find her brother and a few of her cousins waiting for him inside the house.  Apparently, he got a few right handers too that day.  

I think I have mentioned previously that back in the early 90’s my friend was murdered by her ex-boyfriend.  My friends’ ex-boyfriend has previously raped her.  I don’t know if this was his only act of violence toward her, prior to her murder.  I don’t remember her ever saying anything negative about his behaviour and at the time of the rape, she had actually split up with him.  She wasn’t somebody who would ‘stay’ because she thought it was a one off.  But I find it hard to understand that somebody who hadn’t previously been violent could not only rape her but end up killing her….with an axe. 

IT took me becoming a Mum to understand that saying ‘if anybody laid a hand on me, I’d leave immediately’ is a crock of shit.  Firstly, you have no idea what you would do in that situation but if you are like me, then hopefully you will have a network of support that will help you.  But what about those people who don’t have anybody?  What about those who have nowhere to go?  Who are alone?  Or worse, those who have nobody to help them but have children?  How easy is it for those of us who have never found ourselves in a threatening, frightening situation to stand there and say what we’d do.  Frankly, I hope we never have to find out.

I don’t find it hard to understand how somebody can end up finding themselves in a life wrapped up in abusive behaviour.  The part I have trouble with is if the abuse starts off verbal why people stay with that partner and don’t see that as abuse.  

ABUSE, as we know, doesn’t necessarily have to be violent.  Don’t get me wrong, I think ALL abusive behaviour is abhorrent.  But I do wonder whether mental abuse has a more devastating effect on a person than a physical abuse.  Aren’t we always told that wounds heal?  I’m not sure if that’s true but I guess it would depend on the extent of the damage inflicted.  But to be abused mentally…to be told you are nothing, inconsequential, useless, ugly etc everyday so in the end you not only think you are unworthy of a better life but also stay with somebody who does ‘want’ you…for me, I think that is more damaging.

HOW do I teach my kids about domestic violence?  Well, I think I start with the truth.  They know that through my company we have an annual charity campaign and one of the charities that benefits from it is REFUGE.  There are many ways to support these charities but having working in that environment, I understand that people have become increasingly uncomfortable with ‘chucking their money in a bucket’ and would much rather ‘give’ something that will be of use.  

THERE is this incredible initiative called GIVE AND MAKE UP.  I had never heard of it before but a friend recommend I take a look and sent me the link to Caroline Hiron’s website.  They help REFUGE & WOMEN’S AID by donating items to women who find themselves with nothing.  Can you imagine that?  Just the clothes they are standing up in.  So they take our ‘unwanted’ items which can be cosmetics (you know the ones we buy, try once and don’t like then it spends eternity in the back of the bathroom cabinet), toiletries (like sanitary wear or even dry shampoo) to pj’s, clothing, vests for kids.  If this is something you would be interested click the link: 

https://www.carolinehirons.com/page-give-and-makeup

AS a Mum I have a duty of care to show my boys right from wrong in a variety of topics. I have a duty of care to bring these two boys up to be respectful of themselves and of others.  I was once in a relationship where I was ‘once’ physically restrained for ‘my own good’.  That happened once.  I am by no means a violent person but I will fight back.  But was it easy for me to do that because I know I am not alone? That I have an immense support system?  We think of domestic abuse of being predominately against women and it is but that’s not to say that there aren’t men who endure abuse too. 

IT is really important to me that my boys are respectful.  To me, to each other, to everybody.  I don’t think it’s an understatement to say that I won’t be happy if they break that rule.  I therefore have no issue, however unsavoury it may be, for my boys to be shown images of domestic violence.  I want them to be shocked.  I want them to be disgusted and horrified what one human can do to another.  I want them to be repulsed.  But I also want them to understand that in me and their family, they have the same support system that I have.  That they are never alone.  That if they ever have a friend in need of help, they will do everything they can to be that person.

FOR those of us who have never had to endure such horror, let’s be grateful and count our blessing.  

BIG SNOGS

Kitty xxx

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