Captains log: 18th November

WHAT if today was your Groundhog Day?  But, unlike Bill Murray in the film, you don’t get to make improvements or changes to your day?  What if the day you had today was the same day you would live over and over again? What will you think of when you go to bed tonight? Did you live the best day you could? Did you have fun or make a difference?

HOW many times have we seen the ‘dance like nobody is watching’ statement that appears on mugs, posters, t-shirts?  Do we dance like nobody is watching?  Do we live each day as if it were our last?

OKAY, I’ll go first.  Yes and no.  But I’m aiming for a big, fat yes!

I’M quite a few weeks in on my journey riding my very own Sunshine Bus and I gotta tell you….my daily life is getting better each day.   When I decided I wanted to make changes, I didn’t really know where to start.  How odd is that? It’s my life and I didn’t know where to start when making improvements?  So I found somebody who could help me.  I got myself a person….my very own LC (bizarrely both her initials and what she has given me….Life Coaching).  She has helped me recognise the things I need to let go of, the things I can’t change but most importantly, the things I CAN change.  She has opened the door to the courage and bravery I once felt but lost along the way.  She has helped me discover who I am, what I want and where I need to go to fulfil my life through coaching, hypnotherapy and guidance.  I absolutely love my time with her. I wish I had met her 20 years ago but I understand that now is the time she was supposed to enter my life.  Her faith in me, my abilities and where I am going is as uplifting as it is humbling.

SHE helped me realise that what I believed to be fear, was actually self preservation.  She helped me realise my worth.  And out of all the things that I felt were dragging me down, my biggie was that I had no purpose in life and because I felt I was missing it, it had made me unhappy with myself for a long time.  I knew there was something inside me but my fear stopped me from moving forward and seeing it.

ACTUALLY moving forward with this blog has been a massive step for me.  I have been literally talking about it for around 5 years.  FIVE YEARS!  It wasn’t even five years of planning…more of an ‘okay, I’m going to start that blog soon’.  Then in the summer, I really started to want to do it. And guess what?  A man came into my life (well my bestie’s life actually but that counts right)? And he is a website designer.  And he created my lovely blog for me.  I truly believe with every bit of my being, that he was meant to come into my life to help me, just as I believe that when he and my bestie met, it was the right time for both of them.

MY LC and I spoke about it and she gave me some great advice.  She said ‘do it for yourself; trust me, nobody reads it anyway’.  I love that!  Its like being on stage and imagining your audience naked!  Because when you put it out there, you have no way of controlling if its read or not.  Although when somebody comments on it….it kinda makes your heart beat doubly fast. So just do it!  You can promote it, even if it’s in my squeaky-bum and very awkward way but if you don’t let people know about it then nobody will read it.  What is really lovely is that I am so grateful for anybody who is interested enough to read it, I love the comments but wow andI never thought that I would get the encouragement or support than I have.  It has also put me back in touch with old friends.  I may ‘see’ them via social media but catch ups are rare and writing this has enabled that to happen.

ANOTHER thing I did embarking on this journey was to create my vision boards. I’ve done it before but never with much conviction. This time I really thought about it.  Put my energy into thinking what I really wanted out of life.  When I was collecting or creating the items I wanted on my board, I had a thought.  If the ME of today will still be the ME in ten years time, will I be happy with that?  Will I have a sense of achievement?  Will I be proud of myself?

MY first vision board is all about writing.  My blog is one thing but I have been writing my book FOREVER.  It really feels like FOREVER.  I keep hearing my English teacher in my head say ‘a good story has to have a beginning, a middle and an end’.  I have always known how it starts.  I have always known how it will end.  But that pesky middle?  That middle is driving me round the bend.  But that’s okay, I know I’ll get there and I am loving it.  I don’t think it’s as pretentious as saying I have writers block but I have an issue with it.  But I am putting my energy into writing it and I love it.  It makes me really happy.  It makes me feel really fulfilled.  And most importantly, regardless of publishing / sales etc, this is what I was meant to do.  It gives me a huge sense of purpose.  That vision board is the first thing I see every morning.  It reminds me every day of what it is I want, where I want to go and what is good for my soul.

MY second board is to remind me of what I am striving for…positivity.  It helps to keep me focused and gives me little pointers.  I am a bit of a mentalist on screen shotting (I think I just made that word up but you know what I mean) any positive affirmations and photos.  Actually, having a few that stare me in the face when I’ve just got up is a nice little in-house pep talk each morning.

MUCH to my kids amusement I am also reading a book on gratitude.  It has really started to change the way I think. Like most people I have a job.  That’s not to say that I don’t dream of winning the lottery and becoming the laziest bitch EVER!  But I play it because you’ve got to be in it to win it right?  But until I win, I go to work.  Now I know people who hate their job.  I know people who love their job.  I know people who are ‘meh’ about their jobs.
WHETHER I love or loathe it is irrelevant, I am grateful for it.  My job pays me a salary.  That salary allows me to be able to put a lovely roof over our heads.  A salary that buys us food, treats us to nice things, allows my Amazon Prime addiction…ahem.  That salary provides heating on a cold day, security, a sanctuary where we can be safe and be ourselves. And so for my job, I am grateful.  And on those days where I can’t be arsed to get out of my pit, I find the gratitude for my job.  It puts my mind in a great place.

HERE’S another thing how this is changing me.  For as long as I can remember I have suffered with depression.  Winter months have always been my nemesis.  I absolutely hate the winter.  There’s not enough sunshine or sunlight. It gets dark in the middle the afternoon.  I think alongside my on/off depression I have SAD.  Yay me! My hate for winter is a never ending list.  I hate the snow. I hate Ice.  I hate the dark (generally) so a midnight sky at 5pm really drives me nuts.  And don’t get me started on those who pray for a White Christmas.  My most favourite Christmas’ that I can remember were the ones when I woke up to blue sky and sunshine.

SO every year on the count down to the clocks going back, I have that feeling of dread that the Black Dog is coming for me.  Until this time.  I’m not saying that the blues won’t bite me on the arse at some point over this winter but my outlook about it is definitely different.  I can’t change that our clocks go back and that evening turns up at four in the afternoon.  I can’t change that we have seasons which means (albeit probably not forever – thank you global warming) that we don’t get the high temperatures after October each year.   And sorry boys’ but we rarely get snow so that’s what I can focus on.

BUT four days a week I can get home before it gets dark so once the boys are back from school, I can shut the door, pull the curtains and snuggle down for the night.   And once we’re all home, what does it matter what colour the sky is outside or what the weather is doing?

THERE’S another (slightly worrying) reason to add too.  I have quite bad eyesight but my night time vision is getting really bad.  This applies to both walking and driving.  Whilst I makes walking a little bit unpleasant, it makes driving at night a little bit worrying. Not just for me, but for others on the road too!!!  Not only am I blinded by head lights on a normal road, but when I’m driving down the dual-carriageway, it’s also the headlights that are on the other side of the road.  Like the other other side! And I don’t mean those that drive along with their full-beams on.  I can see to the end of my bonnet plus an extra 5 foot but that’s where the vision ends. I can’t even see Cats Eyes on the road and don’t get me started on white line! This means that not only does winter make me want to batten down the hatches but inhibits my social life too.

NOW I can’t change any of that.  It is what it is.  There will always be things like the driving and the dark that will make me want to hide and avoid for my own safety. But my  Black Dog still hasn’t arrived. I believe the biggest change in me [so far] is that it’s not that I have to bat the bad feelings away; I’m just not getting them enough to put any energy into them.  But this is me.  This is my Black Dog.

HERE’S what I’m not going to do.  I’m not going to worry about worrying whether it will arrive.

Never again am I going to give that worry and fear any power.   This doesn’t apply to anybody else’s feelings and I’m not saying it would work for anybody else.  It’s just this journey is changing my life and I like it.  I like understanding the positive results of placing my energy into the things that bring me joy and the things about my life I can change.  I’m liking this new me….a lot.

AND remembering to be grateful, count my blessing, working toward a better me is key for my mind.  And that means making changes to my life because I can control that.  I can control how I look at things.  I can control my own happiness and, in turn, my life.

AND here is what I am going to do.

EVERY day will be my Groundhog Day.  And every night when I go to bed and I think back to my day, I’ll find my best bit and feel grateful that I got a chance at life today.  To make a difference.  To me. To the lives of my boys.  And hopefully to all those I love and perhaps, even somebody that I don’t even know.

IF today were to be my last, that would be okay because I made it count and I was happy.

AS the vision board in my kitchen says: change nothing and nothing changes.

BIG SNOGS
Kitty xxx