CAPTAINS LOG: 23rd December

I am not a Grinch. Okay, I might be. A little bit. For the right reasons. Ish. It’s not that I don’t ‘like’ Christmas…I just don’t love it. And my ‘Pod Life Team’ just wanna break me….

I liked it once. I wasn’t born this way (which excludes me from actually being the Grinch…ta da!) but the Christmas-over-the-topness-palava made me this way. Well, that and a couple of other things. Here’s something NOBODY ever tells you about motherhood. Once you have children, nothing is the same. And Christmas is no exception. Once upon a time, I had a sack, yes a sack, full of presents. Now, my ‘pile’ is reduced to a mere rubble of pressies. And why? Because it’s all about the kids. FFS! Really? What am I now, chopped liver?? I know people think I’m joking but I’m not. It’s depressingly true.

ISN’T it lovely for the children? If I hear that one more bloody time!!! Why is it so lovely for the children? Is it because they don’t have to buy anything whilst their parents go bankrupt?

ANOTHER reason for the Grinch tag is because I never went with the whole Father Christmas/Santa Claus bullshit with my children. I have never purchased presents and put that fat lumps’ name on the tag. Why would I do that? I work for my money and if you think I am letting some big, fat PRETEND guy take the credit you can sod right off!

I bloody hate Christmas trees. The only good Christmas tree is a plastic one. And they are just as much of a pain in the arse as the real ones. The real ones die. They generally die before Christmas Day even arrives. Needles drop everywhere and you spend the whole time sweeping or hoovering the floor. Invariably, when trying to put the baubles on, I ALWAYS manage to push one of the needles up my nail. Bloody tree! And don’t get me started on trying to put the lights round the bloody thing.

FOR the first 3 or 4 years in the house when it was just me and the boys’ we had an annual ‘decorating night’. It’s actually really cool. You make drinks and a bit of food, and more capable people come round and decorate the sitting room. We don’t do that anymore because I am trying to be a grown up. Last year my lovely Marsh got me the best tree ever. You plug it in and go. Literally that simple. It’s got 8 branches, is white (like the rest of my house) has a light on the end of each ‘branch’ and comes with its own paper stars. I chuck up 3 ‘stockings’…one for each of the boys and one for The Dollster. Stick a fork in it, I’m done. I have a small light up Christmas tree decoration thingy that causes me no hassle as long as I’ve got plenty of AA batteries.

I have fairy lights up all round, so as long as they have new batteries, we’re good to go.

WE also have the added complication of now being the proud owners of the dog who chews EVERYTHING she finds. Pens, skirting boards, hand weights, toilet paper….the list just goes on and on and if you think I’d let her loose on a tree, you’re more delusional than those who buy presents and says they’re from Santa!

I hate Christmas cards and only buy and give to immediate family. I only do that because I’d feel bad when receiving them if I didn’t. What good is a card? Two weeks later you’ve killed half a rain forest and it goes straight into recycling. Here’s a suggestion…go see them…pick up the phone…tell them more than once a year that you think they’re wonderful. Wish them a Happy Christmas in person. Sorry Mum, I know you’re rolling your eyes and thinking, ‘fine, don’t buy them then’ but I can’t stop. But I refuse to buy and spend a couple of nights writing the bloody things, having to post them etc knowing they are destined for the recycling bin.

I normally give a donation that I’d spend card money on to a charity of my choice. This year, our donation went to CRISIS to help provide a Christmas dinner for somebody far less fortunate than ourselves. Feels better than helping to kill those forests.

COME Christmas morning you have a house full of torn up wrapping paper, rubbish bags everywhere and a really sick feeling rolling around your head… ‘where the fuck am I going to put all this stuff’…and that’s just the kids’ presents!

I like making Christmas dinner because I’m bloody good at it. My boys will be in Texas, living it up in the sunshine and playing in the swimming pool with their siblings at Uncle Pete’s. The last time they were in the States, me and the Boyf got hammered making Christmas lunch. By the time we sat down, I was legless. But it was a really lovely afternoon kip so I am hoping again for the same this year. Good times.

IF the Christmas festivities started around mid-December, I’m not sure I would have such an issue but it starts in October so by the time December 25th rolls round, I want to strangle somebody with a string of lights or shove a bauble where the sun doesn’t shine.

BUT on Christmas Day I will get to Skype my boys and FaceTime my parents. How lucky am I? I have so much more than so many people. I may not have them in touching distance but I can see them and speak to them and tell them I love them. And then time will go back to normal and they will be home and all will be right again. Unlike other people who will only have memories and photographs.

SO to those I love but won’t see on Christmas Day, have a wonderful Christmas, I love you today and every day. Enjoy yourselves but remember it’s just a day.

FOR what its worth, I actually don’t mind being known as the Grinch at work. I kid you not when I tell you I work with Mrs Claus, The Sugar Plum Fairy, more than a few Elves (who all work in HR…you know who you are short-stacks) and a couple of Reindeers…okay, the last one is a lie. Couple of donkeys. Okay, thats a lie too. She’s an ass.

BUT in the spirit of all Michael Bublé fans out there….have yourself a Holly Jolly Christmas you lovely lot!

BIG SNOGS
Kitty xxx